Itsumademo wa Takai Forever in Death
by Ryoko Subaru
Summary: AU in a dark world the cards are rebelling against their mistress and the only way to save her life is with the bond that is forced upon the Mistress and Leader of the Li Clan, can they help each other or will their lives spiral down into destruction. S+S
1. Where I Stand

Disclaimer:             

 All rights are reserved to CLAMP the owners of Card Captor Sakura and the characters.

                The Author of this fiction is using the CCS characters but her own idea, so this fiction is uniquely hers and not copied from anyone else. Ideas may have sprung from other Fictions that she has read but this is an original copy.

AN/ The prologue will only be setting the theme, where the characters relationships stand and what is kind of going on. This will probably only be around ten pages to begin with. The chapters however will hopefully reach thirty pages each. Enjoy. Also if I get things wrong or I change them then just go along with it since this is an AU and things will be different.

WARNING: Alternate Universe, OOC, Violence, Depression, Dark themes, Adult Themes, Horror, Supernatural, Drug use, Angst. 

Romance in later chapters

Pronunciation: Goi = Guy

By Sujakata 

Inspired by: Logan, the writer of Legacy (Card Captor Sakura fiction)

Dedicated to: Carly

Itsumademo wa Takai- Forever in Death Prologue: Where I Stand 

~~

I once felt comfortable with enemies But now I see 

_A hopeless situation endlessly_

_My memory, is on a loop_

_It goes around_

Parallel worlds exist around us, a choice, however simple it may be can change the course in which our lives flow. This is a parallel world to the peaceful place we all know and love, the Card Mistress never knew the young Li Clan leader to be, never knew the love and attention of the human side of her moon guardian Yakito, and she had to master the cards on her own, live through near death experiences, live through the knowledge that she had to sometimes hurt her friends and family because the cards possessed them. She had to go through her failures with only her sun guardian Cerberus by her side. No camera loving Tomoyo to run along beside her with cute costumes. 

No, in this parallel world one choice from each and everyone of the key players in the world we know changed the way this world formed. Tomoyo was the first, if she had decided to tape the night that Sakura caught the fly card and flew over the tops of the houses then everything would have continued on as it was, but for that little decision it rippled and reach the outer edges of the world, setting into motion the lies and constant 'I'm ok's' that pushed her friends away from her. 

The Li Clan in Hong Kong chose not to send their next leader to retrieve the cards, Instead they decided that the Clow Cards were not worth their worry, if there was someone out there capturing the cards, then it was not their problem. Their choice to do this made it so that Li Xiaolang never met Sakura Kinomoto, that the engagement with Mei Lin Rae and Xiaolang stayed as it was, and Xiaolang's training continued. 

Sakura Kinomoto, the bright and sunny little girl changed, the constant attacks from the cards left her drained, tired, and made her fall behind in her studies. Her friends became more distant to her and it did not help the situation and she found herself sometimes sitting by herself at lunch times. She desperately wanted someone to hang out with and soon found herself with the girls she wouldn't normally be with. 

It went down hill from there, after capturing the last card she found out that her brother was a homosexual, it didn't bother her as much, but the fact that she realised that she didn't even know her own family made her feel depressed.  Her moods changed rapidly and she locked herself in her room more, doing readings with her cards, trying to get more control over her cards. Her skin began to pale because she didn't do as much sport as she used to, her appetite diminished to almost non existent and her clothing changed from bright sunny clothes to dark shades of black, grey and red. 

Her friends tried to make her do drugs, and drink alcohol and she tried a few but decided that it just wasn't her, the smoke made her feel ill and she couldn't hold as much liquor as her friends, they just nodded and continued with what they did, offering a few times but never really caring if she rejected what they gave her, that just meant more for them. She had seen some of her friends try to kill themselves and the first few times it scared her, but after awhile she just nodded and kept quiet about it, it wasn't something anyone really wanted to mention unless they were successful. 

Her friends taught her to fight, they said that it was necessary for when they went to get the drugs they needed, that they never knew who might try and get it off of them. Sakura just nodded her head again and complied, her dull green eyes following the moves silently and copied them, her hand closing on the cold hilt of a knife that she slid into her left boot. Sakura knew they wondered why she didn't talk much, but she brushed it off, she didn't need to explain to them that she felt so removed from the world that there was nothing to talk about, because she wasn't even aware of who she was anymore.

Her obsession with the cards grew and her guardians became a little uncomfortable, she would sit there and talk to the cards, try to release them without using the sealing wand, call to them, make them go into strange combinations, test her limits to see how many she could use at once. 

"Shadow, Dark, Rain" they all floated out of the cards at the murmurings of their Mistress and stood before her, Sakura smiled grimly and motioned them to relax, the cards looked at each other but did as their Mistress commanded of them. "tell me… what does it feel like, being stuck in a card?" her voice was a husky whisper that set Kero on edge, he shuddered and watched anxiously as his mistress closed her eyes and gave a slight smile as if the cards were talking to her. 

"You know…I would like to be free as well" her voice was still soft, but strangely deadly, like the cards were somehow her enemy as well. Her eyes were still closed and she tilted her head to the side. "I could do that, but I'm not supposed to." Sakura's eyes opened and she glanced dazedly at the cards in front of her "you might try and hurt them again" there was more silence and Sakura shook her head in a negative and with a small gesture the three magical beings returned into a card. 

The Card Mistress looked over the cards and smiled gently while she caressed them "if I cant be free….then neither can you" she whispered and kissed them gently before placing them back into the black velvet bag she kept them in. Turned to look at her guardian she frowned "and neither can you" her voice had gone down a notch and it sent a shiver over the guardian beast. And she flicked her fingers sending the bag with the cards in it and its guardian back into the draw with a click. Turning green eyes to the bed the seventeen year old girl stripped off her clothing and climbed under the sheets ready to get some sleep. 

Sakura glanced at herself in the mirror, going over the tight black leggings with a short black skirt over the top, the tight black singlet, her long honey brown hair that was left down with soft waves, to her dark makeup. She smirked at the image while she clipped on her newest accessory, the spiked cat collar. Slipping on her black boots and placing the knife inside it carefully she turned around giving herself another once over 'good, this'll keep them away this time, little goody girls.'

Picking up her tattered school bag Sakura opened her drawer and pulled the velvet bag with the cards in them out, she was about to put it in her bag when she remembered that her brother had bought her a new calf length leather jacket. Grinning with actual happiness for one moment she slipped the coat on and then shouldered her bag, placing the velvet bag into one of the pockets in her new jacket. 

Picking up a piece of fruit on her way out of the house she didn't even say goodbye to her father as she stepped out onto the flower covered walkway just outside her house. Sakura glared at the cheerful pink and white blossoms of her namesake. Flicking her wrist she called windy to clear her path before she continued on her way towards school. Looking down at her watch she grinned 'I wonder if I'll get another detention today for being out of school uniform?' she rolled her eyes at her own question 'most likely.' 

The school gates were grey and uninviting as she passed them, her sharp green eyes going over the uniformed 'children' giving them enough warning not to approach her, however this didn't stop them from talking 

"I cant believe she didn't wear school uniform again! And look at what she's wearing, a little more class wouldn't kill her" Sakura turned and glared at the girl and recognised her from elementary school 'Tomoyo' Sakura smirked and stalked over to the little clique of 'popular people'

"Hi" Sakura said in fake cheerfulness "I'm like so sorry that I don't wear such pretty colours like, pink, or red, or something equally girly, could you ever forgive me? I'm such a fashion victim" The girls just stared at her as if she'd grown a head and Sakura laughed like it was the most funniest thing she had ever said in her life making the girls really uncomfortable and all were questioning her sanity.  

"Oi, Sake! What are ya doin' over there with those prissies?" Sakura turned and mock glared at her closer friend Goi, he slung an arm around her shoulders while she tugged painfully at his long black hair.

"Stop calling me that, I'm not an alcoholic beverage" Goi grinned and shook his head while he licked his lips

"Oh, you are to me" Sakura glared, she hated this playfulness and she especially hated it when he did it in front of other people. Sakura pushed him off of her and poked her finger into his chest 

"What are you high on today?" Goi winked at her

"You" Sakura rolled her eyes and turned back to the 'popular girls' they were all staring at Goi, their eyes travelling over his body, Sakura glared at them, sure Goi was good looking but they didn't need to make it so obvious.

"Keep your eyes to yourself" she said jauntily and they all looked back at her with small blushes on their faces.

"Jealous my Sake?" Sakura shook her head and placed a hand on her hip.

"Not bloody likely," She then turned away from the girls and didn't look back as Goi quickly ran to catch up

"Your unusually happy this morning" he stated raising an eye brow and pulling out a cigarette "you wake up on the right side of bed this morning, now you know what we say about that, if that ever happens then go back to bed and try again." Sakura punched him in the arm

"Shut it." Goi grinned and lit his cigarette then offered her one, Sakura shook her head but she did take the box and place it in her pocket "those things will kill you" Goi groaned and tried to get them back but Sakura just jumped out of his way and shook her head again "it will" 

"The only thing that will kill me is not having them, I read somewhere that this old biddy chain smoked since she was twelve and then they made her stop, and the next day she died. I swear it-" Sakura placed a hand over his mouth, her eyes widening as she looked around the corner. Interested Goi peeked over her shoulder and looked to see one of the more drug inclined girls of their group, Hannah, snogging one of the jocks, both Sakura and Goi looked at each other before wincing and going back the way they were.

"Do you think she knows what she's doing?" Goi grinned

"Nope" 

They went to the library, a great place to hide out, and for Goi a great place to smoke. 

"I'm thinking of leaving." Sakura said, twirling a strand of hair around her finger, the weight of her cards pressing down on her and she closed her eyes, trying to still their restlessness, they hadn't had a good fight in a year, the last magician, sorcerer who challenged her for the cards sort of disappeared from the face of the earth thanks to erase.  Goi shrugged

"Where to?" Sakura tilted her head to the side looking at a spinning globe and smirked.

"Don't know yet" then she hopped off the table she was sitting on and pulled the globe over to their table "but I'll find out." She was about to spin it when Goi caught her hand

"Let me" Sakura looked up at him and shrugged, taking her hand back from him. Goi smiled and ruffled Sakura's hair ignoring the growl that came from her throat. He spun the globe so that it was going so fast the colours blurred into one another before he jabbed his pointed finger at it somewhere near the top. The globe skidded to a stop and there right under his finger was the name of the place he had picked out.

China, Hong Kong.

"Hahaha, Ching Chong China man, I'm coming with you" Sakura's head shot up and she glared at Goi.

"No, I'm going on my own." Goi placed a hand on Sakura's shoulder which she jerked back from

"It's not safe for you to go by yourself" Sakura rolled her eyes

"I can take care of myself." 

"Fine, then I'll just follow you whether you like it or not!" Sakura growled

"If you get it my way-" Goi held up and hand and cocked his head to the side

"Why would I do that?" Sakura stomped her foot on the ground in frustration, when Goi had something in mind then he never let it go. 

"Just forget that I-"

"Kinomoto Sakura and Hikomori Goi, what do you think your wearing?" both teenagers turned around to see one of their 'favourite' teachers approaching them. Sakura looked down at her body and then back up at her teacher, schooling her features to look innocent.

"I'm wearing clothes Fujita Sensei, why?" Goi snickered beside her as he watched their teachers face turn red. 

"Report to the main office to get a uniform pass and you have a detention tonight" Sakura nodded her head compliantly and hopped off of the table pulling Goi with her.

"Of course Fujita Sensei," and not even looking back at the teacher both out of uniform students left the room, both holding back their feelings until they left the building, Goi burst into laughter once they had cleared the Library, Sakura however was fuming. "who does he think he is?" Goi just shook his head in amusement and pulled her along, Sakura looked over at Goi, he was wearing his usual rusty jeans that he never washes, a black shirt with a couple of burn holes in them, and his black hair flapped over his face half the time masking his black eyes.

"If were going to go to Hong Kong then we'd better start preparing for it, come on,"

"Where are we going?"

"The bank, to get our visas, then to get our photo's done for passports, then give them to Gasaharu who'll 'create' them for us, then the airport to collect our pre-booked flight tickets and then were outta here"  Sakura just shook her head

"How about clothes?" Goi smiled and tapped Sakura's small nose

"You can borrow some of my sisters clothes, she's a bit bigger then you but she buys clothes two sizes too small." Sakura nodded her head, her hand closing over her cards, she didn't need anything that was at home, Kero could take care of himself and if she really needed the guardian beast then all she had to do was call him and he'd be there. 

"So why are you taking charge of this all of a sudden?" Goi nudged her with his shoulder

"Because you would take too long to organise it, I can get us outta here by the end of the day." Sakura shook her head again and closed her eyes, feeling her cards flutter in excitement, she stilled them and hopped onto the back of Goi's motor bike, pulling the helmet over her hair and arms around him. The two of them sped off down the street leaving their high school behind as well as their old life. 

_Things are so tough now, I'm torn inside_

_What if I run away?_

_Things are not_

_Getting any better_

The airport was crowded as they pushed their way through it to get to their gate. Goi held onto Sakura's hand so as not to lose her in the mass of people while the small Card Mistress just tried to keep up with the long strides of the much more taller boy she was with. It didn't take long and after both of them were through the gate they looked up at the plane. Sakura smirked and pulled ahead of Goi

"Come on, lets go" Goi watched the young girl with a sad smile on his face, he had a feeling that something bad was going to happen. Pulling his carry on bag higher up on his shoulder she shook off the feeling and followed behind the slightly happy girl. 

"Why are we in second class?" 

"Standard" Goi corrected "its more politically correct" Sakura shoved his shoulder

"When have you ever been politically correct?" Goi grinned while he placed his bag in the over head compartment 

"Since now, ladies first" Sakura rolled her eyes and shoved past him and slid into the window seat while Goi put her bag up next to his before he took his seat next to her. 

Both teenagers buckled in and blocked out the stewardesses as they went through the safety procedures, their headphones were already plugged in and they closed their eyes, drifting off to sleep, Sakura suspiciously watched Goi from the corner of her eye, he usually didn't fall asleep that quickly so he must of taken something. Shaking her head in exasperation at her travel companion she closed her eyes again and fell off to sleep almost instantly. 

The plane trip to China was uneventful, both black clad teenagers didn't talk much and ignored the stewardesses as they tried to get them to eat or drink something, Goi asked for an alcoholic beverage….sake, but they informed him that he had to be over eighteen to drink, Goi then put on a whole melodrama about the unfairness of it all and Sakura just watched in amusement. Other then that the entire trip was boring and they both slept through most of it. 

Hong Kong was warm, something both Japanese teenagers hadn't thought of, they both felt uncomfortable in their heavy clothes, but wouldn't change what they were wearing because of the weather, 'we'll get used to it' Sakura thought while she and Goi went to go and collect their bags. 

Sakura grabbed Goi 

"Stop looking at everything, and let's go find somewhere to stay for the night." Goi just shrugged and slung an arm over Sakura's shoulders and wouldn't allow her to shrug him off.

"Stop wriggling, your in a strange country with people you don't know, so its better to look like your taken then to have some idiot try and grope you" Sakura looked up at Goi and smirked at his frown

"Awe, I didn't know you cared." Goi looked down, his dark brown eyes smiling at her

"Shall I show you how much I care?" he asked, leaning down and puckering up his lips comically. Sakura groaned and pushed him back.

"Stop being an idiot"

"I cant help it, I just fall over myself when I'm with you" Sakura rolled her eyes

"Is that because I'm as intoxicating as my name?" 

Goi laughed and ruffled Sakura's hair while he took a big wiff of her

"Of course Sake, how else could I be drunk on just being near you?" Sakura huffed at his clowning around.

"Stop flirting and get us a taxi" Goi tweaked her nose and saluted her

"Yes sir" Sakura glowered at him as she felt her cards become restless at what he'd said, she could feel their aura's screaming jealousy because they thought she was his mistress as well. Commanding them to be silent she watched at Goi talked rapidly in Mandarin before he waved her over. Sakura picked up her bags and walked over, helping the taxi driver to hull the luggage into the trunk. 

Sakura and Goi watched the city rush by them and both pointed out a few things to each other excitedly, Goi then rattled off all the hot spots for their kind of people were, and that they had to visit every one of them. Sakura just nodded her head, feeling the cards again reacting strangely to Goi. She again commanded them to be still but she could feel their restlessness. Cursing for all she was worth she blocked out their feelings from her mind and concentrated on what her only real friend was telling her. 

"I have to stop off and get some more H, see Mary and get another packet of cigarettes as you stole my other packet." Sakura grinned and shrugged her shoulders.

"All of those things will kill you, not right now, but eventually." Goi shook his head

"The odds of that happening to me are very slim, I'm pretty healthy otherwise." Sakura snorted. "what you don't believe me?" Sakura just ignored him and looked back out of the window. " fine then, if I die…and this is a big IF! Then I promise that even in death we will be friends." Sakura looked over at him

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart." Sakura nodded her head, she trusted him and it wasn't like anything was going to happen to them while they were in China anyway.

"So where are we staying for tonight?" Goi rubbed his hands together and smiled 

"A very prestigious place, called the Grand, or something like that, all I know is that it's a five star hotel or something." Sakura nodded her head and turned to look at Goi for a while.

"How did you get our visas so quickly, as well as booking our flights and hotel? I know how you got our passports, but well, its all a little fast isn't it?" Goi shrugged.

"That's what happens when you have connections my dear, plus its always good to have a rich daddy" Sakura shook her head and punched Goi's arm.

"Idiot, he'll know you've gone on an all expenses paid trip with his money" Goi just sniffed and looked out the window of the taxi.

"Doesn't bother me, its not like he'd notice if I wasn't home anyway," Sakura's eyes narrowed and she nodded her head slowly

"I understand, my dad's never home anyway, so, I guess were fine until I make a phone call and say I've moved out." Goi grinned and turned back to her

"Does that mean you will marry me?" he asked with fake hopefulness, one of his hands had gripped hers and he held it over his heart. Sakura smirked as she pushed him down onto the back seat of the taxi and hovered over him.

"I'm still not sure sweetie…." Sakura let her hands play over Goi's chest while she bit her lip. Goi groaned and closed his eyes

"Sake, don't do that, you know what that does to me" Sakura pouted, but quickly got off of him as he sat up breathing heavily, one of his hands rubbing over his face. Sakura patted his arm with a silent sorry and he just shoved it off. "damn idiot, not in the taxi" Sakura just shrugged and leant back on her side of the taxi, watching her friend while he calmed his body down.

"You know you should really try and control yourself more" Sakura said in a low voice, Goi glared at her

"We'll I wouldn't have to if you didn't keep throwing yourself at me." Sakura turned her head away and allowed herself to smile a little. She loved it when her and Goi fought like this, it made her feel somewhat normal, like her old self, and it gave her a little comfort from the harsh world she lived in. She chanced a glance over at him, it had taken them a long time to get used to the others mood swings, and they way the other acted, but they were as close as friends of the opposite sex could be and she was grateful to have at least one person in her life who actually cared if she lived or not. 

They arrived at the Grand, their baggage sitting next to the two standing teens as they looked up at the hotel.

"Well, its big enough, but look at the location" Goi stated laughing. Sakura nudged him with her elbow

"Stop stealing lines from Shrek, I cant believe you even watched that!" Goi grinned

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me" he said huskily and brushed a strand of hair from Sakura's face. She glared and poked him in the ribs making him jump back and scowl "I was only joking you don't have to be like that!" 

"Yes I do" came her scathing reply and she picked up her bags and left Goi on the street outside of the Hotel. 

Goi winked at a few people on the street who had stop to look at the couple who had been bickering.

"She loves me" he announced to them and they all nodded their heads and smiled at him while he whistled and walked in behind Sakura chuckling, if she had heard what he'd said she would have throttled him something shocking. 'hell, I need something to calm me down, I'll call my contact tonight and get something set up.' 

He looked over at Sakura who was checking in and smirked 'if I didn't have someone like her I would have done myself in a long time ago,' shaking his head he walked over to her and tapped her on the shoulder, she shrugged him off and continued to argue with the man at the desk. 'And its probably the same for her as well.' Sighing he pushed Sakura out of the way slightly and glared at the man.

"What's the problem here?" The man behind the desk looked Goi over, taking in the eye brow ring, ear ring, black clothes, scruffy look and sneered.

"Nothing sir, I was just telling the lady here that we didn't get her reservation. It's not in the books." Goi frowned and glanced over at Sakura who was glaring at him now.

"There must be some mistake with your flippin computers you idiot, we reserved two rooms right next to each other, I had it confirmed and everything, now get your ass over there and type away at that computer and check again!" 

The man glared and did as he was told, Goi leaned against the desk and smiled back at Sakura who was still glaring at him.

"I swear, if you've made a mistake and we aren't booked in, I'll kill you!" Goi didn't get a chance to reply as the man behind the desk came back blushing. 

"I am terribly sorry for the delay, I must have chanced over it, your room numbers are 117 and 118 on the third floor."  Sakura snatched the keys out of the mans hand and flipped him off, leaving her bags behind. The young man looked after her and Goi cleared his throat. The man again blushed and turned to him.

"Aren't you going to send someone for our bags or do we have to carry them up ourselves?" the young man lowered his eyes and called for a bell boy over to take care of their luggage. "oh and one more thing, you look at her like that again and I'll poke out your eyes, got that kid?" the young man gulped and nodded his head. Goi grinned and ran after Sakura before she could leave without him. 

Their rooms were almost identical, nothing out of the ordinary, but they were very spacious and decorated in…pastels. Both occupants were rather disgusted with this and Sakura, using her magical abilities changed her room before Goi could come in and see it. The difference was absolutely depressing, just the way Sakura liked her room to look, it gave her somewhere to think, a place of solitude. The knock on her door made her scowl and she almost ripped the now dark mahogany door off its hinges.

Goi stood there in all his male glory, chest bare, his silver dog tags glittering in the light and loose black pants, his hair scuffed up from unpacking and he was smiling at her. Sakura glared.

"What?" Goi didn't even ask to be let in, he shoved past her and looked around her room whistling in appreciation.

"How come you got the better room?" Sakura shrugged

"Lucky?" Goi snorted and patted Sakura on the shoulder giving her condolences

"When have you ever been lucky?" Sakura growled and bared her teeth at him before she swatted him upside the head. 

"Shut it" Goi shrugged and jumped onto her darkly shaded bed spread. 

"So, you coming with me to get my happy pills?" Sakura rolled her eyes

"They are not pills" 

"Some are" Sakura flopped down next to him and looked up at her black ceiling that was covered in stars

"Fine" 

"Great" Goi sat up and slapped Sakura's knee as he stood. "were leaving in two hours, so dress appropriately." Sakura nodded her head and watched him leave, then with her magic locked the door. 

Sakura sat there for a while, listening to the birds outside as she tried to sort out what she was going to do while in Hong Kong. She had never actual been anywhere other then her home town of Tomeda and she really didn't have any sort of dreams about what she might like to do for a career. 'I like to paint, but I don't think people would like my paintings, there not the usual happy things they like to buy to brighten up their homes.' Sakura chuckled dryly at her thoughts and then pulled her cards from her pocket. 

They felt warm to her hands, but ignoring the slightly strange feel to them she placed them out as Kero had shown her so many years ago and she called upon them to help her in her decision. The first three cards she turned over in the triangle showed shadow, rain, sword. Sakura frowned, those were depressing cards, shadow made her immediately think of darkness, and rain always of pain, the sword was an attack card so did that mean that perhaps she was going to be attacked. She looked at those cards, but shrugged, she would write them down to figure out what might happen to her. 

The next two cards weren't any better, fiery and earthy. Two elemental cards, fiery to Sakura meant anger, maybe even passion? She wasn't too sure, earthy though was like an anchor, a sturdy card, something she could rely on. Closing her eyes in frustration at what the cards were giving her she turned the last card over. Mirror. 

"Well that bloody helps" Sakura said sarcastically, mirror usually signified looking at ones self, and the way they were not just on the outside but on the inside. Cursing her cards for not helping with what she wanted to do while she was in Hong Kong she packed them away and placed them back inside her pocket. Brushing her hair back from her face she decided that she might as well get this drug thing over and done with, that way she could rest for a while and forget about what she had left behind in Japan. 

 _I didn't want to _

See a world collide 

_What if I hide away?_

_Things are not _

_getting any better_

_not from where I stand!_

It was late by the time the both of them had reached the designated area, Sakura stood there, glaring at Goi's back. She felt her cards flutter in excitement, cursing she exerted her will and smothered the cards in her aura while she searched for the perpetrator. She could feel it, the green aura was powerful, much more so then hers. Narrowing her eyes she hardly noticed when the drug dealer arrived and started trading with Goi. The aura wasn't that far away actually, it was somewhere in Honk Kong and there were other aura's beside that one. 

Sakura didn't like the feel of this powerful aura, it made her nervous, what if it tried to take the cards? Would it be able to over power her? She decided to probe it more. Using a little bit more magic she was able to discern that it was male before the green aura realised it was being probed and gathered itself up, becoming invisible. __

A startled yell slammed her back into awareness and Sakura turned sharply to see the drug dealer with his hand against Goi's chest, confused she took a step forwards when the drug dealer took his hand away to reveal a blood covered knife. Sakura gasped

"No…" Sakura didn't even realise what she was doing, she had just thought of the card and it came to her, pulling the drug dealer into a magic induced sleep. Sakura ran over to her only friend. 

"Goi?, Goi, let me see," She was leaning over the boy, he was slumped against the wall, hand clutching his wound and he was breathing heavily. He looked up at her and pushed her hands away covering them in his blood.

"Its alright Sake, ha, isn't it ironic…." He coughed and blood dribbled at the side of his mouth "you always said my drugs would kill me, guess you didn't…..didn't expect it to…be…in this way ehh?" Sakura could feel her eyes prickling with tears but she held them back.

"You aren't going to die! I wont allow it." She gripped his hand and pulled it from the wound, and she felt her heart sink to her feet. The wound was deep and looked to have punctured a lung. "you will live" she commanded him, her hand cupping his face "you will live" 

Goi shook his head and sighed, his bloodied hand covering hers as he lent into her touch. "don't be silly my Sake…." He looked up into her shimmering emerald green eyes and he felt tears start to trace a silvery line down his face and onto their overlapping hands. "Sakura…..kiss me" he whispered. Sakura swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and lent over his struggling body, her lips brushing gently against his, their breath's mingled and Goi smiled against her lips as she pulled away. 

"Now….I will die…..a happy man" he clutched Sakura's hand painfully as his nerves sent waves of pain to his brain and then his grip slackened and fell limp, and Goi breathed his last breath, a smile on his face. Sakura bit her lip as she looked at her only friend, her hand still cupped to his cheek, she kissed his forehead and then pulled him against her, rocking side to side as tears trailed down her face.

"Don't leave me….Goi, onegai, come back" her lips pressed against his temple as she whispered the words over and over again, feeling that tiny flickering happiness inside her soul dim and then die out. "I'll live for you" And she broke completely down for the first time in her life, all her barriers, all the pain she felt from the cards, everything, she let it all go at that moment as she clutched the dead body of her Goi against her, his blood covering her. 

Sakura wiped the tears from her face and pulled her knife from her boot, slicing her hand open she did the same to guy and gripped his hand in hers

"You will forever be a part of me" then she gently placed his on the ground, brushing his dark hair from his closed lids she pulled out his eyebrow ring and pierced it through hers, then she did the same with his ear ring. Next she took his dog tags and secured them around her neck. Pulling off his black coat she shrugged it on and searched through the pockets, producing his wallet, with a picture of him and her in it. She smiled at the picture and traced her finger over his face. Then she found a packet of cigarettes in a hidden pocket. Scowling she was about to throw it away when she saw something was written on it.

'Property of Goi, so keep your hands off Sake.' 

Sakura put them back in the pocket, then she took his ring, the one that he never ever took off and placed it on her thumb since that was the only finger it fit on. Taking his knife she cut off a lock of his hair and tied it up with her hair tie before she put that in his wallet. Sheathing his knife in her other boot she looked down at the shell that was once her friend. Then with a flick of her wrist sent the purifying flames of Fiery down upon him.

"**_Itsumademo wa Takai Goi, Ima no tada, aishiteru itsudemo no tomodachi…. Sarabada_**." 

(_Forever in death Goi, Now you are free, I love you always my friend….farewell_.)

she watched until the fire burned out and the last of Goi's ashes were carried away by the wind before she turned away. One thought set in her mind.

To destroy what distracted her from helping and saving Goi. Her magic zoned in on the green aura, and she could feel the cards wanting the action, she could feel them pulling on her and she didn't even care anymore that she was loosing control of the cards, her only friend was killed and she could have saved him. She was almost back to the street and out of the side alley when she realised that she hadn't done anything to Goi's killer. Turning dead eyes on the still sleeping man she called forth erase, to erase the man from all existence, even his soul, it was his punishment and she thought he deserved what he got.

It seemed such a short time until she reached the shore, looking over the body of water she glared at the small island she could see, that was where she needed to go. Not calling her card watery gave its magic and allowed its mistress to walk across the water as if it were as hard as earth. Sakura's eyes remained trained on the island, her aura darkening with each passing second. 

She reached the Island and walked straight up to the massive house that was there. Her green eyes were no more then slits as she pounded on the door. There was some scuffling and then the doors were opened by a servant. Sakura didn't even wait, she stalked right into the room, her magic seeking out the one she sought. The servants were stammering things to her.

"Silence" she commanded and voice took their speech away. Sakura could feel the aura getting closer to her and she readied herself, fight automatically lending its skills to its mistress, ready for the fight. The blindingly large green aura filled the room as a young man stormed into the reception hall, he wore all black, his messy brown hair flopped into his glaring amber eyes.

"Who are you and what are you going in my home?" his voice was deathly low and full of anger. Sakura tilted her head to the side, and allowed a freakishly small smile to grace her lips

"I am the Card Mistress and I am here to kill you" She could feel her cards fluttering against her, their magic's spasmodically calling out for use and Sakura cleared her mind and allowed them to intermingle with one another, becoming dangerously active and powerful. The young man fell into a battle stance, sword in hand and magic swirling around him. 

"I think not" Sakura shrugged and unleashed her magic, feeling the rawness of it as it pulled at her strength and life force. The young Chinese man's eyes widened 'that amount of magic could kill her, as well as me.' 

_Another day begins pick up a pen_

I'm staying in 

_I try to document what's happening_

_And not pretend, that life will be_

_Just like before_

The amber eyed young man pulled up a shield, and then using a massive amount of magic rushed forwards and pinned the still struggling card mistress to the ground. 

"powers bind us together,

my strength to her weakness

her strength to my weakness

together our lives spin

our fates intertwined"

And then the young man reopened the fresh wound on Sakura's hand with the sword he was still holding and then did the same to his hand. With a desperate look he grasped her hand tightly in his

"NOW!" his aura swirled and combined with the dark aura of the Card Mistresses, the entire room filled with light and the windows smashed under the pressure of the powerful magic that had been created. Then as the blinding light receded it showed that both black clad teenagers were unconscious, their hands still linked. 

Mei Lin stood in the doorway, behind Yelan Li.

"Why did he do that?" Mei Lin asked, terracotta eyes wide. Yelan sighed

"If he hadn't, then the Card Mistresses destructiveness would have killed all of us, her aura is so dark and the cards were feeding off of her life force for more power. It had to be done." 

Both woman watched as the servants stumbled back into the room to help their young master and the Card Mistress to the medical wing for treatment. 

"Did you foresee this?" Mei Lin asked Yelan placed a hand to her head and rubbed her temple.

"No, I did not. This is very interesting indeed."

Not from where I stand 

~~

Sujakata: I just got the whole entire box set of Martian Successor Nadesico and I love it, although my fav character Goi Diegouji dies in the first dvd. He was the best. Anyway 

Song by Body jar: Not from where I stand 

Album: Plastic Skies

My Jap isn't very good, I haven't learnt it for about three years now so oops if I get something wrong. Tell me what you thought. :D

It'd be great if you could

Review :D


	2. One Step at a Time

Disclaimer:  
  
All rights are reserved to CLAMP the owners of Card Captor Sakura and  
the characters.  
  
The Author of this fiction is using the CCS characters but her own idea, so this fiction is uniquely hers and not copied from anyone else. Ideas may have sprung from other Fictions that she has read but this is an original copy.  
  
WARNING: Alternate Universe, OOC, Violence, Depression, Dark themes, Adult Themes, Horror, Supernatural, Drug use, Angst.  
  
Romance in later chapters  
  
By Sujakata  
  
Inspired by: Legacy by Logan (Card Captor Sakura fiction)  
  
Itsumademo wa Takai- Forever in Death  
  
Chapter one: One step at a time  
  
~~  
  
'Sometimes the hardest thing is not to fight'  
  
Glynn (Darksong, Second book in the Legendsong Trilogy, by Isobelle Carmody)  
  
~~  
  
Mei Lin stood beside the bed that held her fiancé and leader of the Li Clan, Li Xiaolang. Her now delicate hands brushed over his face lovingly, she looked to the other bed that contained the Card Mistress and her nose sniffed disdainfully. Since the Li Elders announced that Mei Lin and Xiaolang's promise to one another would remain she had been taught by Li Yelan in the way of becoming the sheath for the Leader. Her role went from fighting alongside her beloved to standing on the sidelines and acting like a proper lady, for she was the princess to the Clan and should dress and act as one.  
  
She looked up as the family doctor walked in and placed some herbs on a trolley, his face was drawn in tight lines and his posture showed that he was not happy.  
  
"is something wrong?" she asked, her voice much softer then it once used to be. The man looked up and bowed to Mei Lin before sighing and placing a hand on Sakura's forehead.  
  
"she is a troubled girl, the energies used in the spell Master Li performed caused her to retreat into her mind, it will take her longer to sort out what is happening, and while she is locked inside her mind, Master Li will share her fate." Mei Lin gasped and placed her hand over her mouth, her eyes widening.  
  
"I don't understand, why is his fate intertwined with hers?" The doctor took a seat and began to crush the herbs in a round bowl.  
  
"The magic used to stop the Card Mistress was a binding of sorts, Since Master Li and anyone else with magic could feel the struggle between mistress and cards for domination Master Li did what he knew was the only way to control the both of them, he sealed himself to the Card Mistress and her cards, giving him power to control the cards, not to the extent of the Card Mistress mind you, but enough so they will not be able to take control like that again. It is a very dangerous spell as if the card mistress dies, so will he, and if he dies so will she." The doctor spat into the herbal mixture and continued with his stirring.  
  
Mei Lin looked so shocked and disturbed by this news that the doctor offered her a seat which she took gratefully.  
  
"what happens if they release the cards or we destroy them?" Mei Lin asked, her face filled with hope of giving her beloved a way out of this mess. The Doctor rubbed a hand over his face.  
  
"Impossible, from what I gather their life forces are joined to the cards, if they were destroyed or set free then both would die. The only thing that they both can do is to learn to control the cards." Mei Lin glared at the Card Mistress for putting her Xiaolang in such a predicament and she felt her anger rise. 'why didn't Xiaolang just kill the girl and save him the trouble? Why did he do something so out of character of him and help someone who wasn't of the Clan? Why is she so special?'  
  
Standing up from her seat Mei Lin, soon to be wife of Li Xiaolang, leader of the Li Clan walked over to the Card Mistress and stared into her white face, Mei Lin's hard terracotta eyes bore into the unconscious girls closed eye lids, willing the stupid girl to wake so that her beloved would also. She looked the girl over, they hadn't removed her clothes, apart from the two coats she had worn 'what an absolute lunatic, how could she be wearing two coats in this weather?' Her eyes trailed from the fresh piercing in her eyebrow and ear, to the dog tags the girl wore. Looking down at them she snatched them off the girls neck and looked them over. They held a few codes that she couldn't decipher, but on the back of one of the dog tags was something roughly etched into it. It was very hard to read and she narrowed her eyes, her fingers tracing over the Japanese characters.  
  
"Goi Hikomori ha Sake Kinomoto, no Tomodachi Itsumademo" Mei Lin read out. The family doctor looked over to her  
  
"what does that mean?" Mei Lin shrugged and pocketed the dog tags  
  
"Its something like Guy Hikomori and Sake; I believe that it's a Japanese alcoholic beverage are to be friends forever. My Japanese isn't as fluent as Xiaolang's, but it will do. Still it doesn't make sense as to why she would be wearing that kind of thing. Dog Tags are for people with a military history, I do not believe this..child has had any of that." Both looked at the pale and very skinny card Mistress for a few moments before their attention was drawn to their leader who was groaning and began to thrash from side to side. Both the doctor and Mei Lin rushed to his side and held him down while the doctor called for backup.  
  
~~  
  
There were three main colours in the room she stood in. A vibrant green that pulsated with life, and was blinding to look at, a dull grey colour that shimmered slightly as if ghosts were slinking past the light. And lastly, a dark pink that seemed to be sucking in the light. The room was round and held no openings whatsoever. Sakura glared at the walls, and the colours, she had no idea what this place was but she could tell that it wasn't the place she had been before. Searching her mind she recalled fighting with that boy, the one that had been partial in killing her only friend.  
  
Green eyes darkened in hatred, where had that boy taken her? Was this some sort of magic trick? She couldn't feel the pull of the cards against her, and she shuddered.the cards, what had happened to them? Her hands started to shake, she'd never been away from their power before, she had a craving just to feel their hard surface under her quick fingers, to feel their needs. She needed them. Clenching her hands to stop the shaking and the physical manifestation of her addiction she narrowed her eyes in the direction of the blinding green light. Something was moving just beyond her sight. Itching to find out if it might be one of her cards she moved steadily closer, she found it strange that her feet made no sound whatsoever.  
  
She hadn't always been like this, needing the cards, wanting to be one with them, being so addicting and dependent on their presence. She shook her head and closed her eyes thinking back.  
  
~~  
  
There was a time in my life where I was one of them, laughing, singing, no care in the world.and then one day it just got harder to keep up with everyone and I was left behind and no matter how hard I tired it felt as if I was going no where, like I was stuck in that dream where you try harder and harder to run as fast as you can go, but your only running on the spot while the shadows continue to get closer and closer until they are right upon you, consume you until there is nothing left of what you were before. Then your one of them, in a strange haze of consciousness and you follow behind the others like sheep, chasing after the next bright spark of life until you help to destroy that life and the next and the next..and you cant scape it..there's no way out!  
  
~~  
  
Her ears could pick up the sound of low, harsh whispers, that faded and evaded her from hearing what was being said. She felt a shiver run down her spine, something was out of place.closing her eyes she felt about her for what was off. She snapped her eyes open as a she felt something shift right beside her, she turned quickly as a bright green figure descended upon her, flaming white sword in hand, they both collided and were sent to the ground in a heavy heap, the green figure on top of her, its knee pushing down on her chest painfully, and the flamed sword pointed at her jugular.  
  
Sakura took a shuddering breath, her hands still shaking with the longing of her cards. Her green eyes narrowed against the glare of both eh figure and its weapon.  
  
"who are you?" she asked hoarsely. The sword was pressed a little deeper, cutting at the skin and releasing a thin line of blood, Sakura hissed and she was surprised when her shaking hands flung up against her assailant and pushed him back with a gust of wind..'windy' she sighed in relief, the presence of one of her cards calming her down and clearing her head.  
  
"Back to the deck Windy" the green figure whispered harshly and for a moment Sakura thought that those whispers she'd heard before were from the man, when they started again. Then she realised exactly what he'd said and she felt her card start to disentangle itself from her. Sakura held on tightly to the magical card's essence. She was not going to let go.  
  
"BACK WINDY!" the command was so forceful that she was ripped from the card and it returned back into the green haze of colour.  
  
"no..come back here!" Sakura whispered her eyes widened, the cards obeyed only her, no one else. "Who are you to command my cards like that! I am the card mistress, they belong to me!"  
  
"I know who you are.and you know who I am also..you are in no fit state to control those cards as you are now, so they will obey me until I believe you can handle their power!" Sakura snorted and glared at the still shining figure.  
  
"you? are going to hold them from me? I don't think so!" Sakura took a deep breath, her cards knew her, needed her as she needed them.they would come to her call. "Fiery" she called out in a chillingly cold voice, her eyes once again that dull green. Their was a flicker of red before it was quickly consumed by the green. Sakura narrowed her eyes at the green figure. "FIERY!" the magical being appeared before her before it was again sucked back into the overpowering green. "I.I don't understand" Sakura whispered, why weren't the cards coming to her call? She was their mistress, they had to! No one could take them away from her..  
  
"Now that you've realised I have control over the cards you will listen to what I have to say!"  
  
"I don't think so. Give them back to me, they're mine!" The figure chuckled and the green around his form faded until before her stood the man with the green aura.the one who'd distracted her.the one who'd help with killing Goi!. "you" she snarled  
  
"Voice" he called and Sakura found herself unable to speak. Glaring for all she was worth she folded her arms across her chest. "Finally, now, listen!" Sakura flipped him off and turned her back to him. Rolling his eyes the young man launched into the history of his family, and their magical origins, how important the Clow Cards were thought to be. She interrupted him their, her voice now returned as the young man only had limited power of them in the first place  
  
"if they were so important then why didn't you send someone to collect them?" The young man sighed sadly and ran a hand through his already messing hair.  
  
"we didn't send anyone because you had been chosen by the guardian beast to be their mistress. If you had been found unworthy by the moon guardian then I would have been sent down. We watched the judging closely from China, we believed that as long as someone had the power of the cards and could control them then we should not worry about who it was.unless it was one of our enemy's." Sakura snorted again and glared openly at the young man.  
  
"so your saying that, you could have come and taken them from me?" Sakura couldn't fool herself into believing that the cards power was wondrous, no.it was that power that had changed her, had taken away her life, and had made her dependant on it, and here was this boy telling her that she could have continued on with her normal life.that she didn't have to go through so much pain.  
  
"yes.I-"  
  
"no.now you listen to me!" her voice had once again gone to that monotonous cold voice "You weren't there, you were brought up to do this, to have magic, to fight it. I had to learn on my own, fail, and try again when I wanted to give up. It hurt knowing I was so different from everyone else and I couldn't even tell anyone about why I had to stay away from them, I lied to them almost every single day of my life.you were trained for this, not me. Why didn't you come and take it from me? I don't care that you all thought I could handle it, that it wasn't your problem anymore! Why didn't you at least send someone to help me? You had a family to help you, to love you and support you, I had no one, I was all alone.alone with no one to help me." her voice changed drastically into some kind of hysterical need that he couldn't quite understand.  
  
"I hate you, I hate you I hate you, I hate you and your magic. I hate it all, I don't even care anymore.it eats at me.this so called power that is supposed to be wonderful! I cant even handle it, I need it!" she showed him her shaking hands and for a moment she wondered why she was revealing so much to someone she did not even know "this is all your fault, this was your destiny not mine, you can have it back, along with everything else that should have been yours." The young man was silent for a few moments before he shook his head  
  
"you cant give it to me now! And you cannot ignore your magic or it will consume your entire being and destroy you!" there was a silence after that and the harsh whispers took up from where it had left off.  
  
"I've watched you change" the girl stiffened.she knew that voice.  
  
"Goi?" she whispered, her eyes wide with confusion.  
  
"you were on fire" the harshness was still their and Sakura moved towards the dull grey in the room, her mind totally forgetting about the man she had been yelling at.  
  
"I watched a change in you" the voice echoed around her mind, and she shivered.  
  
"what change?" she asked, almost afraid to ask.did he know about her? But he wasn't supposed to find out.no one was.  
  
"It's like you never had wings"  
  
She could feel the presence of the young man right beside her and she realised that she didn't even know his name showing that thought from her mind her eyes went to his white, flaming sword that was held out before him. She watched as his amber eyes shifted over the shadows moving in the grey.  
  
"now you feel so alive" the voice faded out and they both stopped, watching as one of the shadows became much more clearer.  
  
"Give you the breath" Goi took shape, but his colour remained grey, and it filtered every so often, like he had bad reception. His voice had gotten louder, but the austerity remained  
  
"to blow me-" Sakura shuddered as she watched her dead friend look at her in such a way, that it scared her.he wasn't alive, she knew he wasn't."AWAY" he hissed and the sound struck out at her, she stumbled and before she knew it the young man with the flaming sword had pounced on the shadow of her friend, forcing him back with wide swings of his sword. He moved back into the grey, blending in with the background.  
  
"what is this place?" Sakura asked, eyes still focussed on the grey.  
  
"your mind!"  
  
"what?"  
  
"first I should introduce myself, I should have done it before, but I forgot." Their was a strange stilt to his lips as he said this, and she realised that he was smiled.just barely, but it was there, why this mattered she didn't know, but her eyes were now focussed on it as if it was the most precious thing in the world! Shaking these thoughts from her mind, she put it down to the man holding her cards hostage. "I'm Li Xiaolang, and I bound my magic to yours to stop you killing my family, that means that because I have a stronger control over magic, and I resist its powerful pull I can control the addictive magic of the cards. You have been made weak because you were not fully trained, and the cards can sense this.they can break you.and eventually kill you, that would set them free, and that is what they desire most in the world." He stopped here and looked at the grey amassing in the room.  
  
"that" he pointed at the dull grey "is the people you've used the cards on. They.will attack your mind from time to time, we will have to train you to make your mind stronger.." Sakura glared  
  
"how do you know so much?" Xiaolang rolled his eyes  
  
"were you not listening to what I was saying?" he asked. And Sakura huffed. "now, I think that you are calm enough not to try and kill my again, am I correct?" Sakura shrugged  
  
"I'm not making any promises. But.why would Goi attack me?" The amber eyed young man shook his head  
  
"it's strange.and I don't have the answer to that.but I will look into it. It is most strange." then closing his eyes he began to mutter under his breath and the next thing Sakura knew what that she was sitting up in some strange bed panting, and squinting into the bright white light that was shining in her face. Herbs assaulted her nose and she coughed at the pungent smell. She could hear hard breathing and voices to the side of her and she looked over. In another bed was Xiaolang, beside him was a severe looking woman with long back hair red eyes, and an old man who was asking a few questions.  
  
Closing her eyes for a brief second she felt the fear of hospitals over take her and she hopped unsteadily off of the bed. Her hands immediately checking over her.her dog tags. Snarling she turned to the three other occupants of the room.  
  
"where is it?" she asked, her voice low and dangerous. Xiaolang looked over her, his eyes boring into hers  
  
"where is what?" She glared at him  
  
"don't play dumb with me thief, my dog tags." The woman stood outraged  
  
"how dare you call Xiaolang a thief you ungrateful wretch, he saved your life as well as the rest of ours"  
  
"shut up." her eyes narrowed at the girls hand "give it to me now" she growled, all present looked at the woman who was holding the dog tags still in her hand.  
  
"Mei Lin" The woman sighed and tossed the object at the girl who caught it deftly and scowled at the broken chain.  
  
"you will fix this" she demanded and threw it back at the girl before stalking from the room.at the door she hesitated. "I dint ask to be saved" she whispered before she was gone.  
  
~~  
  
A part of me wants to hate her, to kill her and end it all. She suffers, I see it in her body, spirit and magical aura. She's wasting away painfully and she doesn't seem to care at all. She doesn't deserve to be card mistress, she's unworthy of the power, and like she said.it should have been mine. It is.I suppose mine now, I'm tied to her by my magic and inevitably that means I'm tied to the card. it is only my strength that is keeping her alive, but I cant hate her. I've been trained all my life in the magical and martial arts to make sure my body could handle all the power that I possess.she was just thrown into this world and that amount of power should have destroyed someone as frail as her, its strange but I feel as if she doesn't really hate me, but she is resentful that I have had the life she wanted.one surrounded by family and friends that understand.  
  
I wouldn't wish my life upon anyone, it hasn't been all love and support as she believes it has been. I was never given love, and I have always been expected to give my best to go beyond what I could do, to surpass even my own limits. It almost killed me, and in a way I envy her for her free life.the grass is always greener. So I suppose we have both have had horrible lives, and its interesting that we should meet now, and like this! Bound by magic to each other. I feel connected to her, and that in itself is special, for I have never felt able to freely talk with anyone the way in did in her mind, I divulged a little of who I really am to her, and not the cold hearted Li Clan leader everyone expects of me. She has no expectations of who I should be, and it makes me feel so much more like a normal person then I have in my entire life. She will gain control of the cards, that is my promise to her. It will not change what has happened to her, but I hope that one day she will forgive me.  
  
~~  
  
Ryoko Subaru- not as long as the prologue, and not as long as it probably could have gone, but I thought it was a good place to stop, plus my arms hurting so yeah!. I hope that your liking this, and we'll I hope that I will be able to update quicker. 


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